Bells

Bells

At the mercy of my own self-deprecation I stand before you

Stuck in the prison of my brain, my heart is bleeding

My life's been wasted on bad cups of coffee

And the stains on the walls I've hit in frustration

I'm trapped inside this cage of deceit

Waiting, planning and yet not moving

Continually mutating the events in my mind

So that each memory is poisoned

And I feel hated inside my own ribcage

So I fall asleep, sleep for hours on end

And I dream

I dream of escape, escape to world where the bells chime

Light and airy, like a delicate breeze

Beautiful and alive

Yet here I stand, unable, unwilling to move

From the tragic horror inside my brain

The city of rust, the crevice where my demons run free

Pounding along a flat stone with my name carved

So I write

It's like the one phone call you're allowed in jail

The one reason to exist after you've royally fucked up

And when I bit into these words, tasted the bitter sweet

I became addicted to this work

I chew and swallow, the words scratching red lines on my throat

But it's here, only here, where I can put into words my emotion

Because when you see me

See me on the street, I'm just the girl with a smile

Bringing warmth to your heart

You would never know just by looking at me

That I am desperate to find a way out of my mind

Stuck in a world where there is nothing, no one

Alleviating the pain, the frustration, the rage

But here I feel like there is a light in the dark

A star tangled into the muck of my hate

If I write long enough I can reach it

If I take enough great words from great poets

If I confuse enough readers who can confuse me

If I write down the nightmares every day

In the morning after just two hours of sleep

Can I make it?

Can I hear those bells?

-Ella Hastings