My Greatness

My Greatness.

I was that one girl in highschool

Where I had a group of four best friends

Four best girl friends

A few others sporadically placed here and there

Different social circles

But mainly those four best friends

But they always seemed in a different world than I

Like I was standing on the outside looking in

Looking in to their friendship with me

I was that one friend

That if I was missing

No one would notice

I was that one friend

That only fit in with them

Because I fit in no where else

I wasn't super smart like those kids

I wasn't popular like the others

I wasn't an art kid

I wasn't in sports

Wasn't really a theater kid because I was never cast in the shows

Even though I yearned for the spotlight

For people to notice me

As more than just

A name after a comma after one of the other four

I was the enigma

Wrapped up in a untypical high school experience

The flashing red light in the dark

The one fading star

That orb of light from a lighthouse tower

Blink

Blink

I never made a name for myself

But stood in a group

With a comma before my name

I'm always afraid of going back to that

Of losing who I am as a human

And joining a group of friends again

They all had their titles

Their monsters and demons and angels

They had their nicknames

And hobbies and pedestals

I had their shadows

I had the anger that stirred up ungratefully

From being so forgotten

So looked at

But not seen

I don't care about the garbage that falls from their mouths

If they tell me I was someone

I felt like I was nothing

Always when they come back

When I'm surrounded by them I feel the shroud of what I lay shackled underneath for four years

Come up and tie me like an old blanket

Old blanket

And what I hate is that I act like I'm less than 

When I with them

I act like I'm lower

I feel myself shrinking 

Of being afraid of what to say

Of being laughed at or hurt

Damn you

I'm not afraid of what I'll say

I know what I know

I will not feel belittled by you

My friends

But I am

Always 

Without fail

Feel less

I yearn for them to be envious of me

To see ME

To become something they never dreamed I could become

So that in their minds I wouldn't just be

,Ella

Not the second person on the list

Or the third line down

But my name

Bright and bold and obnoxious as hell

My name

Eleanor

I want them to respect me

To try and avoid being in my shadow

To be jealous of my journey, adventures and glory

My greatness.

-Eleanor Hastings

06-13-13