Let Me Be the Last

Let Me be the Last

There should be an unbroken promise

Between you and your body

Many have broken it

I wasn’t the first

Frustration, anger, self-loathing

I know it’s wrong

And now, after years

I’ve ended red lines

I never went deep enough

To leave scars

Only red lines

For longer than an hour

But there are still the bruises

Carefully placed

I will walk for a limp

Or favor a different hand

My face might have scratches

Or my cheek might be red

I wasn’t the first

To have broken the promise

Between body and mind

To not inflict a release of anger

It was like a punishment

But I could be in control

For once during all those long years

I was in charge of what type of pain I got

I used to shove my arms into faces

Proud of the fact

There were no scars

I never cut deep enough

Scratches just long enough for a tickle of pain

Beatings just hard enough to numb the body

I’m not the worst

I’m not the first

I wish I was the last

-Ella