Not Anymore

Not Anymore

Did you know that when you cry for so long, your mind shuts down the sensory part of your brain that allows you to feel emotional pain?
It's its last stand. Past reasoning, comfort, logic and hope. 
Your own body shuts you down. And you can't feel anything.

I feel small bursts of sorrow

Or joy

I can laugh at things

Or tears can spring to my eyes

and I can be genuinely glad to see my friends

and my family

But

Robotic movements

Like knowing how to flip a switch

but it isn’t true

I can't really feel anything

Unless

memories flood like water

break the flood gates

Remember that he can never write those three words to you again

so

empty

Like a bird shell

watch your step or you'll crush me

my wings were broken

when He took away my Angel

what scares me is that I’ve lived most of my life like this

this lie

Slender lines showing the cracks between puzzle pieces

Keep it together

Keep it together

So no one can understand you're broken

Gray world

when something bad happens to me

I carve myself out

leave just a shell, an echo

ready to be filled with a voice
or a laugh

but when our last kiss ended

Keep it together

Broken eggshells

puzzle pieces

Put back the picture

Puzzle fits

Like his hand in mine

Don't feel

Don't care

Don't remember

Lose yourself to the lie

lines over the lies

Its so normal for me

Being so very lonely inside my own skin

I didn't use to feel this way

but now the night terrors aren't fought off by my white knight

He left his horse in the stable

Remember

Forget

Don't remember how much pain you're in

and when I wake up in the morning

I'm alone

and I can't breathe

When I try to go to sleep

and his arms aren't around me

Going to sleep imagining him with me
hurts so much I can't
choke on my own dreams
falling asleep
used to be easy

I feel like I'm falling

a little bit more

into nothing

Don't turn off the light

It was easier for me to see in the dark

When I could hold out my hands

not anymore

not anymore. 

-Eleanor